One
morning around 2 years ago I woke up to the realisation that I can do whatever
I want to do. It wasn’t a very gentle awakening either, it was all very sudden.
I opened my eyes one morning and this epiphany literally slapped me in the face
(because that’s what epiphanies do, of course). Ok, I know it wasn’t literal,
but it felt that way. And this wonderful moment of piercing clarity has totally
changed the course of my life, in a good way. When I realised I could make my
own decisions. Go wherever I want to (provided I have a relevant passport), be
friends with anyone and just be myself. I realised what my life really was –
mine.
When I think about it, it sounds really stupid. And to many people right now, you’re probably wondering why I felt so disempowered in this day and age. Before that epiphanic moment, I’d pretty much lived a life that was not mine. I’d been in relationships from around the age of twenty, with only a few short breaks in between. So for my entire adult life, I’d been considering other people first. Putting someone else above me. When in most instances those people weren’t putting me first (or even fiftieth, for that matter). Most significantly, I shared my heart with a partner who developed serious dependency issues. I become addicted to helping him get better – even though he had no desire to get better. I dedicated all my free time to researching, obsessing and ‘helping.’ When I was really just breaking myself. Deciding to stop fixing other people and start fixing myself was the beginning of my healing process.
Being single in my thirties became a completely new experience. This led to some of the most obvious of existential questions – who am I? And – what do I want? At first these thoughts brought absolute panic. I didn’t know who I was on my own and even more terrifying I had no idea what I wanted. In the beginning I sometimes felt so alone that I was convinced I’d never survive.
Now to be fair to myself, being single after a long bout of coupledom can be very daunting. As many of you know, there is comfort in being in a partnership. You’re never alone, you share decisions, you have a partner in crime to share your fears, joys, ups and downs with. There’s always someone there to support you. Even when they’re mad at you. Choosing to be single felt like having the ground fall from under my feet. I thought falling in love was the best thing that could happen to someone – I learnt that falling out of it was the best way to get closer to myself, my dreams and my hopes. I had to learn to count on myself and become comfortable with the quiet around me. I had to learn to love myself, and draw from my own thoughts and desires. It was empowering. It was terrifying.
As time passed and thoughts processed, I became more comfortable with them. After that morning of clarity I really allowed my mind to run wild, I wondered ‘if I could do anything I wanted to do, what would it be?’ The answer was twofold and immediate – travel and publish a book. Neither of these dreams were new ones. They’re just things that I pushed out of my mind while carrying on with everyday life. They didn’t fit within the boundaries of the picket fence I’d built around my imperfect life. But when I really allowed myself to think about these thoughts and wonder what was preventing them from being real, I realised that the only thing holding me back was me. I was really happy with my job, home and social life. Following my dreams would unravel my stability and contentment – and everything I’d worked so hard to build. But as many of us know – ‘a comfort zone is a wonderful place, but nothing grows there.'
I don’t have all the answers. But I know that travelling through Europe and living in a different country has brought so much fulfilment, new perspectives and a lot of fun. It was absolutely the right thing for me and has been well worth the risk. I’m yet to publish my book – but I have written it and am seeking a publisher (hopefully, you’ll see my name on a shelf one day!) But if I never get published, I can at least live with the knowledge that I gave it a fair shot.
Now. We can’t all do whatever we want when we want to. There are partners, children, families, jobs, houses, mortgages, pets. All sorts of things. Real things. And beyond these really good reasons are a million others that logically prevent us from following our dreams and living the life we really want. What I’m beginning to learn is that taking risks and doing what you believe in, is about weighing up all the pros and cons, thinking seriously and pragmatically, making lists, thinking things through carefully, leaning towards making the logical decision and then just doing whatever you want. When you let your heart lead, you will always find a way.
The brain is a marvellous thing, but no matter how much your mind knows what you should be doing, your heart knows what you ache to be doing. Sometimes we think it’s selfish to do what we want. Sometimes we feel guilty about making decisions that allow us to shine. Sometimes the risk seems too immense. Sometimes these are real concerns. But, I’d suggest, at other times, when it really matters, we need to allow ourselves to be true, fair and kind to our own destiny.
When I think about it, it sounds really stupid. And to many people right now, you’re probably wondering why I felt so disempowered in this day and age. Before that epiphanic moment, I’d pretty much lived a life that was not mine. I’d been in relationships from around the age of twenty, with only a few short breaks in between. So for my entire adult life, I’d been considering other people first. Putting someone else above me. When in most instances those people weren’t putting me first (or even fiftieth, for that matter). Most significantly, I shared my heart with a partner who developed serious dependency issues. I become addicted to helping him get better – even though he had no desire to get better. I dedicated all my free time to researching, obsessing and ‘helping.’ When I was really just breaking myself. Deciding to stop fixing other people and start fixing myself was the beginning of my healing process.
Being single in my thirties became a completely new experience. This led to some of the most obvious of existential questions – who am I? And – what do I want? At first these thoughts brought absolute panic. I didn’t know who I was on my own and even more terrifying I had no idea what I wanted. In the beginning I sometimes felt so alone that I was convinced I’d never survive.
Now to be fair to myself, being single after a long bout of coupledom can be very daunting. As many of you know, there is comfort in being in a partnership. You’re never alone, you share decisions, you have a partner in crime to share your fears, joys, ups and downs with. There’s always someone there to support you. Even when they’re mad at you. Choosing to be single felt like having the ground fall from under my feet. I thought falling in love was the best thing that could happen to someone – I learnt that falling out of it was the best way to get closer to myself, my dreams and my hopes. I had to learn to count on myself and become comfortable with the quiet around me. I had to learn to love myself, and draw from my own thoughts and desires. It was empowering. It was terrifying.
As time passed and thoughts processed, I became more comfortable with them. After that morning of clarity I really allowed my mind to run wild, I wondered ‘if I could do anything I wanted to do, what would it be?’ The answer was twofold and immediate – travel and publish a book. Neither of these dreams were new ones. They’re just things that I pushed out of my mind while carrying on with everyday life. They didn’t fit within the boundaries of the picket fence I’d built around my imperfect life. But when I really allowed myself to think about these thoughts and wonder what was preventing them from being real, I realised that the only thing holding me back was me. I was really happy with my job, home and social life. Following my dreams would unravel my stability and contentment – and everything I’d worked so hard to build. But as many of us know – ‘a comfort zone is a wonderful place, but nothing grows there.'
I don’t have all the answers. But I know that travelling through Europe and living in a different country has brought so much fulfilment, new perspectives and a lot of fun. It was absolutely the right thing for me and has been well worth the risk. I’m yet to publish my book – but I have written it and am seeking a publisher (hopefully, you’ll see my name on a shelf one day!) But if I never get published, I can at least live with the knowledge that I gave it a fair shot.
Now. We can’t all do whatever we want when we want to. There are partners, children, families, jobs, houses, mortgages, pets. All sorts of things. Real things. And beyond these really good reasons are a million others that logically prevent us from following our dreams and living the life we really want. What I’m beginning to learn is that taking risks and doing what you believe in, is about weighing up all the pros and cons, thinking seriously and pragmatically, making lists, thinking things through carefully, leaning towards making the logical decision and then just doing whatever you want. When you let your heart lead, you will always find a way.
The brain is a marvellous thing, but no matter how much your mind knows what you should be doing, your heart knows what you ache to be doing. Sometimes we think it’s selfish to do what we want. Sometimes we feel guilty about making decisions that allow us to shine. Sometimes the risk seems too immense. Sometimes these are real concerns. But, I’d suggest, at other times, when it really matters, we need to allow ourselves to be true, fair and kind to our own destiny.
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