“We
should go out again, we could be sole mates” said the text. No, no we couldn’t
because 1) I have other mates so you’re not the sole one, 2) we’re not feet or
shoes, and 3) I’m not a fish. As most of my friends know, poor spelling makes
me nasty (sorry), as does bad grammar. But I often ignore the rules of grammar
and make up my own words when I write. So I’m basically a complete hypocrite. Still,
if I bumped into McDreamy in a crowded bar and he wrote ‘hear’s where I’m
headed, wanna meat their?’ on a napkin, I’d dry a tear of disappointment on
that napkin before tossing it in the bin.
I’ll admit, there are far more important things to have at the top of the ‘no-go’ list. Like ‘shouldn’t have anger management issues’ or ‘mustn’t be a stalker.’ As if dating after your twenties isn’t hard enough, many singletons I know seem to have created these elaborate, mostly stupid, rules. Some of my girlfriends won’t date men who are divorced or have children – fair enough, if that’s your rule, but you’re in your thirties/forties no matter who you meet they are practically guaranteed to have a history and some kind of baggage. When I open my suitcase, it may not be filled with a messy divorce and soiled nappies, but it certainly has a few pieces of dirty laundry that could do with an airing out, if not throwing out. No one’s perfect.
Since I’ve been back in the dating game it’s been fascinating to see how people play (or don’t) into gender stereotypes on dates too. My guy friends seem to agree that a gentleman pays on the first date. It’s always the first question the lads ask when they want to know how a date went. From my perspective, this is not something that I lose sleep over – I’m quite happy to share the bill, or travel up to neutral ground to meet. I think it’s fair to meet halfway in a world of equality. We all work just as hard as each other. But if a guy pushes through a door in front of me or blurts out a string of expletives before we’re well acquainted, I’m out.
I’m beginning to realise that I’m actually rather old fashioned. I appreciate a little chivalry. It makes me feel respected. But this is not an area of agreement in my generation. A lovely guy-friend of mine recently dashed through a door in front of me and then mumbled “I’d have stepped back, but I know you women of today can take care of yourselves.” It was a loaded comment and after a little digging I found out that the last time he held a door open for a lady she shot him an angry “I’m perfectly capable of opening a door, I’m not a weakling.” Oh dear me.
Many of us ladies of today are establishing ourselves as independent, self-sufficient, ambitious equals. This is fantastic – go girls, uh, I mean ladies. But at the risk of losing popularity, I must admit that I’m beginning to think that in some ways we’re losing who we are in the process a little. Surely being equal means being equal as a woman. I sometimes think we’re trying to match masculine stereotypes (which aren’t necessarily true either) – sexual liberation sometimes becomes reckless promiscuity and expressing emotion makes us feeble so we repress our sensitivity. I could be completely wrong, but surely as equals women should make their own rules rather than strive to reject everything ‘weak’ associated with our gender?
The more I meet new people, date and socialise, the more I realise that there is so much confusion around what’s acceptable and how we should behave. It leads to much awkwardness and a good few giggles. Though it seems like it’s mostly us ladies who’ve rewritten the rules, which must be pretty confusing for the gents. I accept that some would argue we should move beyond gender expectations and should stop socialising young people – but that’s a separate, very complex, conversation. I suppose that’s the beginning of the point though – we’re all individuals. In a world that’s a collision of cultures, genders, beliefs and more generations living together than ever before, letting people know what your expectations are and making an effort to understand theirs, is important.
As I continue to live in another country and as I meet new friends, colleagues and possible suitors, my challenge to myself is to be a more open about accepting others’ expectations and faults (including typos) and be clearer about who I am and where I stand. By being a little more accepting without compromising what’s important to me, who knows, I might even find my sole (romantic) mate.
I’ll admit, there are far more important things to have at the top of the ‘no-go’ list. Like ‘shouldn’t have anger management issues’ or ‘mustn’t be a stalker.’ As if dating after your twenties isn’t hard enough, many singletons I know seem to have created these elaborate, mostly stupid, rules. Some of my girlfriends won’t date men who are divorced or have children – fair enough, if that’s your rule, but you’re in your thirties/forties no matter who you meet they are practically guaranteed to have a history and some kind of baggage. When I open my suitcase, it may not be filled with a messy divorce and soiled nappies, but it certainly has a few pieces of dirty laundry that could do with an airing out, if not throwing out. No one’s perfect.
Since I’ve been back in the dating game it’s been fascinating to see how people play (or don’t) into gender stereotypes on dates too. My guy friends seem to agree that a gentleman pays on the first date. It’s always the first question the lads ask when they want to know how a date went. From my perspective, this is not something that I lose sleep over – I’m quite happy to share the bill, or travel up to neutral ground to meet. I think it’s fair to meet halfway in a world of equality. We all work just as hard as each other. But if a guy pushes through a door in front of me or blurts out a string of expletives before we’re well acquainted, I’m out.
I’m beginning to realise that I’m actually rather old fashioned. I appreciate a little chivalry. It makes me feel respected. But this is not an area of agreement in my generation. A lovely guy-friend of mine recently dashed through a door in front of me and then mumbled “I’d have stepped back, but I know you women of today can take care of yourselves.” It was a loaded comment and after a little digging I found out that the last time he held a door open for a lady she shot him an angry “I’m perfectly capable of opening a door, I’m not a weakling.” Oh dear me.
Many of us ladies of today are establishing ourselves as independent, self-sufficient, ambitious equals. This is fantastic – go girls, uh, I mean ladies. But at the risk of losing popularity, I must admit that I’m beginning to think that in some ways we’re losing who we are in the process a little. Surely being equal means being equal as a woman. I sometimes think we’re trying to match masculine stereotypes (which aren’t necessarily true either) – sexual liberation sometimes becomes reckless promiscuity and expressing emotion makes us feeble so we repress our sensitivity. I could be completely wrong, but surely as equals women should make their own rules rather than strive to reject everything ‘weak’ associated with our gender?
The more I meet new people, date and socialise, the more I realise that there is so much confusion around what’s acceptable and how we should behave. It leads to much awkwardness and a good few giggles. Though it seems like it’s mostly us ladies who’ve rewritten the rules, which must be pretty confusing for the gents. I accept that some would argue we should move beyond gender expectations and should stop socialising young people – but that’s a separate, very complex, conversation. I suppose that’s the beginning of the point though – we’re all individuals. In a world that’s a collision of cultures, genders, beliefs and more generations living together than ever before, letting people know what your expectations are and making an effort to understand theirs, is important.
As I continue to live in another country and as I meet new friends, colleagues and possible suitors, my challenge to myself is to be a more open about accepting others’ expectations and faults (including typos) and be clearer about who I am and where I stand. By being a little more accepting without compromising what’s important to me, who knows, I might even find my sole (romantic) mate.
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