Gift box

Last week I received a gift box of goodies. It was one of those subscription boxes where you receive a collection of beauty products each month as a surprise. It’s an awesome gift and I love getting my monthly surprise. This one was a particularly good one, I got eyelash primer, face toner, blusher, a peach lip pencil and some cleanser – all of them completely new to me. I squealed in delight as I opened the lid, which prompted a few colleagues to come rushing over to ogle my booty (of the treasure variety, obviously).

My monthly beauty boxes have become something of interest in the office. As the foreigner in the team, mostly everything I do for the first time becomes a thing of interest in the office. Often a group of ladies will pop round to my desk and watch me unpack my gifts. So there was nothing unusual about this time. I pulled out item by item and explained the magnificence of every product. I got to the cleanser. I opened the lid, gave it a good sniff and proclaimed loudly that I couldn’t wait to use it (on my face). I got a few weird looks and the group soon dispersed back to normal life.

This Saturday while I was looking through each item reading the fine print, I noticed some detail on the cleanser that I’d missed. Firstly, it’s dermatologically approved (very good) and secondly that it is gynaecologically tested (wha-a-a-t?) Yep… it wasn’t face wash. It turned out to be a fairly common ‘intimate’ cleanser available from every store in the first world. It’s designed to help prevent ingrown hairs and the discomfort from shaving certain feminine parts. Perhaps not so appropriate to rub under my colleagues noses while proclaiming how good it’s going to feel on my skin. I. Could. Actually. Die.

Last month marked two years since I jumped on an aeroplane thinking I was temporarily heading off on an adventure. In some ways it feels like twenty years ago. In others, it’s like I just climbed off the boat and am adjusting to wobbly land legs. I’m still figuring out what some road signs mean (slightly scary since I’ve been driving for eight months). I have to Google English-English words from time to time. And for the life of me I can’t understand why the word ‘literally’ is used ‘figuratively’ so casually. I mean, what must the Queen think about that? This is England.

Since I’ve been in the UK I’ve experienced so many new things. Snow falling on my eyelashes. The first taste of Viennese Swirls (which I’m convinced was every bit as addictive as a first hit of heroin). Internet shopping with parcels bravely left outside my front door – including clothing, groceries, jewels and medication (mind blown). Strawberry jammed scones with clotted cream kindly baked by a wonderful colleague (yum). The Great British Bake-off. Walks in nature on my own. Walks through town on my own. Walks in general, on my own. Sleeping with the front door open – by mistake. Buying a down coat (actual tiny feathers – in a coat). Travelling on trains. Travelling on busses. Travelling in taxis.

Kissing French men. Sipping Prosecco. Pronouncing data, ‘date-er’. Going out without sunblock on. Going out in welly boots. Going out in flats and changing into heels at work. Putting on make-up on the underground. Getting my eyeliner straight while administering it on the underground. Going to the corner shop in PJ bottoms and no makeup. Going to the corner shop by foot – with my actual feet, every step.

My new life is a giant leap from my old one in so many ways – some good, some less good. I’ve been homesick, homeless, jobless, broke, lost, alone – so extremely alone. But what’s defined every step of the path is kindness. Every person I’ve reached out to along the way has extended a hand, a hug, some hope. The English may not be renowned for their warmth, but they sure know how to share it when they recognise it’s needed. From the comfort shared with me by my brand new housemate on the eve of Nelson Mandela’s passing, to the embrace from her mum the day my granddad passed and I needed a ‘mummy hug’. From the strangers who have helped me get un-lost to the acquaintances who offered their homes, their families, their special times. I’ve been overwhelmed by so much generosity and kindness.

Two years on I’m still Dorothy on this yellow brick road. I’m surrounded by different people who’ve brought many lessons and so much wonderfulness into my life. But there’s no place like home – kind of literally. Because on my journey I’ve discovered that home is less of a physical place than it is people and a collection of memories. My home is a memory box of love and experiences, gifts that I pack and unpack finding new surprises every time I open the lid. It’s intimate. Personal. Vulnerable. And filled with all the things that make me feel safe, scared, happy and incredibly brave.

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Things I have learnt from Natalie Maroun

Hello High Heelers,

As many of you know by now (though some don’t), I’m going to be hanging up my heels, temporarily, soon. After many years of hard work, I’ve decided to take a break for a year, to travel the world, see new places, gain a new perspective, and who knows, maybe write a few books. Time is one of those finite things that we cannot get more of, and while I’m still young enough, dumb enough and unattached enough, I’d like to give myself the gift of a lifetime – a journey of healing and self-discovery, in the most literal sense.

But just because I’m exchanging my sling-backs for ballet flats and my tote for a backpack, it doesn’t mean I’m losing my High Heeler status. Oh no! Being a High Heeler is a state of mind, a state of being; it’s about dreaming big, about understanding how you are connected to others and how you can share with others. It’s about learning from the things life shows you, throws at you and throws you into. It’s about realising that when we fall down, that it’s not about bouncing back, it’s about bouncing forward with new energy and direction. It’s about being true to yourself in the realisation that you have the power to be who you want to be and do what you want to do.

As you all know, this blog was inspired by a woman who spun my world into an utter whirlwind when our relationship began. My boss, Natalie Maroun, was initially the most challenging person I’ve ever worked with, but she quickly became one of the most incredible people I’ve had the privilege of being led by – and the constant inspiration for this blog. It’s funny how often when we perceive others as difficult we really just reveal our own inadequacies to ourselves which leads to tremendous growth and introspection. Such was my meeting with Natalie. Though make no mistake – Natalie pushes you to places you didn’t think you could go, but not because she’s mean, because she sees your true potential and will accept no less than that what you’re fully capable of.

I have learnt so many things from this incredible woman – I could fill a few novels and I will share more as I travel as it’s important to share our lessons. Today I want to begin with sharing just a few. Some of the things I’ve learnt from Natalie Maroun…

Firstly, I’ve learnt that being gorgeously groomed on the outside helps, but the sexiest assets a woman (or man) can have are strength, intelligence and kick-ass confidence. Natalie can turn heads with her looks, but she keeps them turned with her intellect and presence. Nothing beats that. Any supermodel would feel inadequate next to her. Next, if you’ve made a mistake  put your hand up immediately, a problem solved early on is far better than a catastrophe left to the last minute. Then encourage people constantly, even when they’re not quite at the point that they deserve it – you’ll be amazed by what people can achieve when you give them the right to be spectacular.

Look after your body. You only have one and you depend on it with everything you are. Feed it nourishment. Strengthen your muscles and bones and never stop exercising your brain. In doing all this, you can look and feel 25 when you’re really in your forties. Stand up for yourself when you know you’re right. Because your thoughts matter, your mind is worthy and you have a right to make a good point – provided it’s properly thought out and researched!

Know that you can do anything. The truth is – you can. But dreams only see the light of life if you take action. Take action with simplicity and conviction. Remember that the most beautiful of dreams is worthless when lost in a cluttered mind. Don’t restrict yourself. You may not call yourself anything other than wonderful – because that’s what you are.

Share what you learn and what you know. In sharing, we keep our momentum going and we truly make a difference in our environment. Spread positivity. If you think someone is beautiful – tell them. If you think someone has an incredible talent – tell them. Sometimes all people need is the permission to be brilliant. Give them permission. Give yourself permission.

My greatest lesson from working with Natalie is that you will reach your greatest potential when working for people that you are terribly afraid of disappointing, but are not afraid of. They will bring out the best in you. The best teachers care enough to show you discipline, give you boundaries, dish out honest feedback (even the scary kind) and to encourage you when you’re a little unsure of yourself. The best teachers are the not the ones that you’ll do anything to impress. You respect them with your being. And they don’t really teach you at all – they show you the way.

This week as I reflect over the past 3 years and I think about all the wonderful things that my boss has taught me. I urge you to be mindful of who you allow to lead you. Be wary of who you follow, as your leaders have huge influence over you. Choose who you follow and choose who you lead. Most importantly find the leader in yourself and choose to be amazing.

Yours in heels,
Jo

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Committing to me

Hello High Heelers,

I’ve been the ultimate social butterfly lately. It’s been loads of fun for the psyche, but less so for the physicality. So after about three weeks of epic gluttony and virtual inactivity, I thought it would be wise to get back into action before I lose my fitness and turn into a generously well-rounded individual. It’s really scary how quickly those extra little pounds can climb on when you’re looking the other way (usually towards another restaurant with cream donut in paw and cheese soufflé in tummy). I’m not there, but it’s coming! Maintaining your wellbeing is a long-term commitment. It’s a promise we make to ourselves – for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. Because we have this one body till death do us part. And if we’re bad to our bodies, that parting may be a little sooner than we’d like.

So, on Saturday morning I hit the treadmill with vengeance. That treadmill was mine. I owned it. No matter how much my legs turned to jelly, I kept going. Even though my silly asthma was having none of the superhero behaviour on unfit lungs, I pushed through. My chest seized up and had me wheezing like a terminally ill patient. I kept going. I was puffing on my asthma pump sounding like I was dying, because technically, I was. Good health is necessary. Because bad health can be deadly. I’m an asthmatic, who’s had some really epic emergency runs, one involving being carried into a hospital trauma unit by my ex-boss (very embarrassing moment, I might add) – so, I know from first-hand experience.

On Sunday, even though I should have been recovering from prior stupidity, the sun was out in Jozi, the weather was sweet, it made me want to move, my running feet. Tired of being a hamster on a treadmill, I took to the road with two of my besties in tow. Well, to be fair, they were towing me. After a good few (like 2!) minutes of running my brain said “go, go, go” and my asthma and legs said “hell no.” And that was the end of that. It was a lovely walk in the sunshine. A leisurely but extended one that didn’t result in any form of glowing (as you know – girls glow, boys sweat). Then back us tweeting birds went for breaky. Though the egg stayed on the plates, not on my face – at least I’m back on track and that counts for something. After weeks of breaking promises to myself (for which I’ve had excellent excuses, obviously) I was true to me personal word and hit it.

Now there are two things about all this that are important to note. Number one – when you’ve reached a good level of fitness, hang onto it and nurture it. It takes time to get there and it’s really quick to lose (it takes about 3 weeks to reach the place where you start again.) Really, like everything in life, consistent commitment is the only way – on the good days, and most vitally, on the bad ones. Number two – be kind to your body. You only have one and it is amazingly kind to you. It pumps blood around your body all day and keeps you breathing. If your physiological processes decided to take a couch day, you’d literally be permanently couched. And we do such awful things to ourselves. We over indulge in rich foods, we drink too much too often, we run out of time to exercise and we spend lifetimes in front of laptops and TVs in the seated position. Some of us smoke, many of us take medications that are difficult for us to filter. Our commitment to our health is one of the most-lasting and beneficial commitments we can make.

Like in any good union, we fall from time to time. Getting back up is what counts – and most importantly, getting back up when it’s salvageable. Today I renew my vows to myself for the hundredth time, and I’m sure there will be more times ahead. The benefits are enormous. If you do it, you will reap the rewards. Your body will be faithful, it will keep you happy and it will be kind, for the most part (granted there are some really unfair ill exceptions).

High Heelers, today, just say ‘I do’ to you. Then do as Nike says and ‘just do it.’ Get on track. You’ll love yourself for it.

Have a wonderful week.

Yours in heels,
Jo

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Bruised feet

Hello High Heelers,

I’m walking like an idiot today because I have very bruised feet. Now, normally bruises are a bad thing. They’re a sign of some kind of trauma from being banged up, or banged down, a little too hard (hopefully by mistake). Mine are a result of dancing with my friends – partially from the pinching of my stupidly impractical heels (yes, I did just admit that in writing) and partially from removing my stupid heels to relieve deathly pain only to have my toes stood on repeatedly (causing relatively less intense deathly pain, but deathly pain nonetheless). But mostly, my feet are bruised from too much dancing into the wee hours of Sunday morning with some of the most fabulous people I know (many of whom are hopefully reading this post – you special little munchkins!) On evaluating said damaged feet today, I felt a little bruised in my heart region. Here’s why…

You see. I don’t spend enough time with my friends. Really, I don’t. There are good reasons for it – I work hard, I train hard (when I’m not being lazy) and when I’m not working or training I’m usually completely and utterly exhausted (and therefore lazy). This translates into one night with my folks a week, one Sunday morning with my bestie and her troop, and if I’m lucky, one other friend packed in-between on a Saturday somewhere. That’s really not enough. On recently confirming a play date with a significant friend – I walked her down the aisle, she dried my tears on my darkest day and she’s lifted me up a thousand and one times – I realised I haven’t seen her for a whole year. That’s 365 days. That’s a lot of special moments gone. Less laughs. Less girl time. Less healing. Less love. There’s too much ‘less’. Bruised heart.

This weekend’s feet bruising activities actually began as a result of me watching another dear friend don her princess dress, clutch her father’s arm and walk towards a future partnership. As she did the long walk, and I was completely overwhelmed by her exquisiteness, happiness and delightful glow, it really hit home. Or, more truthfully, home hit me. Family is everything. The real ones. And the acquired ones. The people that are there to hold your hand when you’re shaking, or hold your heart together when you don’t have the strength, are the most valuable beings in your life. If you have a handful of those, you have a full heart. If you have two handfuls of them you are abundantly blessed. I think I may even have two handfuls and a foot-full! Treasure your people.

Many of you know that I spent a lot of time with someone who didn’t appreciate me. Sure – there was a reason, it was a season and it taught me the lesson of a lifetime. I have no regrets and I’m so blessed to have run away before I did the long walk clutching my dad’s arm, but it does pinch a little to know that I wasted so many special moments. So much of my sparkle. If I could take those giggles back I’d give them to the friends who warned me gently, forgave me easily and held me together even after they’d ‘told me so’. I’d give them to those friends who aren’t just friends, they’re deeper than that, they’re family. They stay. They are always present. They are always caring. Always loving. Always adding more. Never less.

We’re all surrounded by different people. Some of us have a natural family that is enriching and filled with love – as I do. Some of us don’t. But most of us do have a circle of adopted family that will hold us up when we’re broken and bruised. They’ll pass the tissues and do some stitching – with or without anaesthetic. They are our people. They don’t have to be blood. They can be bruises – trapped under our skin, close to our hearts.

We all have choices about how we spend our time and who we spend it with. May I suggest that we give less energy to those who don’t appreciate us? And never give anything less than our best to those who give their all to us. We know better. Let’s be better. Let’s step up, bruised and all, and surround ourselves with great people. And let’s be great people.

Have a wonderful week.

Yours in heels,
Jo

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Picky picky

Hello High Heelers,

“Your potential boyfriend’s an idiot, you should leave him. Forget I ever said that if you marry him,” crossed my ears today and made me giggle. In context, it was actually really sound advice. The dude in question, had really proven himself to be an unmitigated disaster of a possible life companion. And such is life. People really do let us down. But we should love anyway. Get broken and heal. It makes us tougher. Wiser. A little more in tune with what we should be looking for next time around.

You know recently I experienced someone I know well, talking behind her friend’s back, mentioning the poor decisions her friend had made and that she would have made far better choices in the same position. She, of course, had given her friend totally different advice from the content she was blabbing about to me. As the conversation progressed it became quite clear to me that some of our friends, who give the impression that they know us best and put our needs first, are actually not really friends at all. Either these people can’t remove themselves from their own perspective and see our issue from the angle we do. Or they’re wrapped up in layers of insecurity that they subconsciously go out hurting others as they search for some kind of coherence in their own lives.

At times we all surround ourselves with people, who despite all good intention, aren’t made to be the advisors and friends that we need, due to their own constrictions. But sometimes we really just pick badly. I’ve done it a million times before and will, no doubt, learn the lesson a few more times in future. Last weekend in the gym sauna I listened to four women jabbering on about a friend who married a man who was a complete imposter. He came into her life, took her money, used her to get funding for his business through the bank she worked at (using her contacts – obviously) and then left her with a sky-high stack of bills when he decided to reunite with his ex-wife. Now, this woman is apparently pretty wise when she’s not busy being deceived. She is a director at a top bank, after all. Anyone can be deceived by someone who is adamant to mislead them. Knowing that this really bright woman fell hook, line and sinker into such an awful trap, makes me feel a lot better about the unworthy people I’ve let into my life in times past – and that I’ve learnt really good lessons from.

This week as I reflect on the people around me – at work, at home and in my personal life, I feel blessed to know that they’re all on my team. The quote: "Show me your friends and I will show you your future" really does hold weighting in many ways. When we get counsel from people who are competitive, deceptive or have their own agenda, and we consider their advice, we’re moving in a direction that’s unlikely to be up.

You know, everyone will give you advice. Listen. Some of it will be appropriate to your situation. Some of it won’t. Some will be constructive. Some will be completely destructive. Some will just be outright ridiculous. Listen anyway. You’ll know who your true confidants are by the advice they give, how appropriate it seems and how angled to your wellbeing it is. But for goodness sake, don’t ever follow poor advice because it came from someone close to you, or because it came from someone you deem wise.

Choose your company carefully. Wise people add value. Healing people add meaning. Fun people add energy. But those who are there to thrive off your failures and pull you down when you’re headed up, will never be worthy of your time or your patience. Don’t give you energy to anyone who would not give theirs to you in the same situation.

Lastly, “Take risks. If you win you will be happy; if you lose you will be wise.” It’s ok to make mistakes as long as we learn from them. So this week, as we heel up, let’s heel up with others who will help us stand tall.

Have a wonderful week.

Yours in heels,
Jo

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Which heels?

Hello High Heelers,

Decisions, decisions. Decisions are funny things. Some are so simple to make, like whether to wear jeans on a chilly day, or a frivolous frock. Others are really hard, like leaving the precious partner you adore but know is not destined to share forever with you, or ending a stable career to chase a dream that will undoubtedly lead to uncertainly and instability. I don’t know about you, but my world has recently been loaded with difficult decisions and my friends have also been sending conundrum after conundrum from every direction, looking for sound advice. It feels as though people around me are suddenly searching for a greater level of happiness and meaning. The age old (clichéd) question is popping up all over the place – what is the meaning of life? Indeed, what is it?

Well, as Douglas Adams wrote in ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’, that the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything is 42. Uh, ok. 42 what? As matter-of-factly silly as this answer is, perhaps that’s the point. We spend so much time overthinking things – I am definitely guilty in this area. You know, perhaps decisions and answers are far simpler than we realise. Just maybe, we need to start cutting out the noise, the clutter, the fear and the ‘can’ts’ and start focussing on the actual question. I’m not saying ignore the risk – if you step into a fire, you’re going to burn (I promise!) What I am saying though, is that we often spend so much time creating reasons for not doing the hard thing that we know is right, instead of looking at the reasons why we should go ahead and take a calculated risk. Note: calculated risk.

My favourite poem of all time is Robert Frost’s ‘The Road Not Taken’. That Mr. Frost was a clever guy. It reminds me that the right decision for you, isn’t always the accepted choice (what others would do), and that it will usually come with uncertainty and a good measure of angst. But for the most part, when you take the road not taken, it will make all the difference. What a wonderful word that is ‘difference.’ We all want to make a difference, right? We want to find the thing we can do that will make the world a better place than we found it. But so often we get side-tracked from discovering our purpose, by a million feelings of inadequacy, heaps of insecurity and a good measure of lack of faith in ourselves. We become our own barrier to a life filled with more meaning and greater purpose.

This week one of my besties started a training course that will lead her career in a completely different direction. She’s been ignoring the desire to follow her heart for so long and eventually she ran into all the right opportunities. After day one, things are going swimmingly. She’s had all the affirmation she needs to confirm that she’s done the right thing – though the path will surely have some twists and turns along the way. Another special lady in my world left a lover that was not treating her properly. She put the fear aside, ignored the risk of ‘not being looked after’ anymore and jumped into singledom, head first. And guess what? She too is surviving. She may not be swimming yet, but she’s floating and hoping for a better day as everything she needs has slowly presented itself to her – in terms of work, a home, a stable circle of caring friends… and so it shall continue.

When you make the right decisions, your path opens up with a multitude of opportunities, though the journey isn’t necessarily going to be easy. Sure, some decisions are really hard to make. Often those are the ones that rub the back of your brain irritatingly, causing irritating little blisters that just won’t go away. You cannot ignore them. They are linked to your purpose. Your happiness. Your future. Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s wrong. What’s meant to be will always find a way. But the action needs to come from you. You need to make it happen. You need to take the leap. It’s up to you to take what’s yours.

This week as we pull on our heels and step up to some tough decision making, let’s remember to be brave. You are stronger than you think. You are wiser than you know. And you’ll only realise your true potential when you step out of your comfort zone and into the place where you’re stretched to a new level of you.

Have a wonderful week.

Yours in heels,
Jo

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Lost in transportation

Hello High Heelers,

I got lost in my home town this morning. Yes, I did. As I drove past the road that I knew I was meant to turn down, I watched familiarity vanish into the misty, rainy morning traffic. If I hadn’t had my feet on the accelerator and the clutch, I would have been kicking myself – but fortunately there were no limbs available for that (for kicking or to be kicked). There was no backtracking. There was no return. I had to go forwards into unchartered territory and I had to find my way out of the Cape Town ringroads on a tough weather day. In my defence, I grew up in this city years ago and I stayed on the other side of the mountain.

In my non-defence, I get lost often. Very often. It’s almost a party trick, a quirk. In fact, I’ve had a subconscious vetting system for all past partners based on their ability to safely co-pilot me, over the phone, from one location to the next. So usually in such lost-ness, I would have immediately called my current navigator to talk me through and out. But since I’ve been in a state of happy navigatorlessness for some time now, that was not an option. Right. So there I was. In the city of my childhood, not so much stuck between a rock and a hard place, but very much stuck between the mountain and my workplace. Panic set in. I imagined myself driving in circles all day, or worse, finding myself stuck in a ‘dangerous area’ (never mind that I’m a Joburg girl and I can pretty much handle myself through anything).

It’s funny how we tell ourselves we can’t do things. Often it’s because we listen to others tell us we can’t do them. I’ve spent a lifetime listening to people tell me I have the direction of a ping pong ball, or that I’d be the most entertaining Amazing Race contestant for viewers but the most frustrating for my fellow competitor. Gosh, even when I went for psychometric testing as a teenager the doctor told me that I’m great with words and numbers but that I must stay away from engineering, as my lack of visual understanding and 3D perception would be the death of people – possibly beginning with my own. He also went into maps and navigation and explained my brain’s shortfalls. This could be why, my father equipped me with a Garmin (unrequested) last year. Though to be fair, if I’d known how effective that little thing was, I could have saved myself a lot of poor vetting in the past.

With the help of said gadget, I proved all naysayers wrong today. Yes I did. On total lost-ness, I whipped out my Garmin, I typed in the address of my office on this side of the world, and I followed that annoying lady’s voice. Man, she took me through weird and wonderful streets I didn’t know existed. At one point I became a little concerned so also used the navigation system on my cellphone, and on my tablet for extra measure. Three options is better than none – and to me, better than one, too. I managed to steer clear of dodgy areas where imminent death is a high probability (I think it helps that there aren’t actually any such areas on this side of the continent) and I got to my offices, only fifteen minutes late, though on time for my first appointment. I even had a moment to pass the coffee shop for a hot caffeine fix and some nerve chilling.

Sure, in all honesty, modern technology assisted with my lack-of-direction out this morning. But in fairness to myself I may have a lack of direction, but I don’t have a lack of drive. I knew where I was going and I decided I was going to get there. So many people place restrictions on us. It’s really quite unfair. Some people are told they have no aptitude for numbers, others that they’re untalented artists – there’s a lifetime of ‘can’ts’ put on us. Whatever limitations are placed on you, remember that your greatest limitation is actually your own mind. It may seem somewhat of a cliché these days, but Mr. Henry Ford was onto something when he said “if you think you can, or you think you can’t, either way you’re right.”

You don’t have to do things the ‘hard way’ either. I may have little sense of direction – but so what – my enabling devices have that sorted, so I can focus on the stuff that I am good at, like sharing my silliness with you. The modern world has enabled us in so many ways. Your grandfather may say that your calculator makes you lazy, but any modern six-year old kid will tell you that if you’re not managing your budget on your iPad with the necessary app, you’re losing out on amazing functionality.

This week let’s be kind to ourselves and our capabilities. Let’s focus on what we’re good at, let’s enable ourselves where we can, in our weak areas. And let’s acknowledge that if we limit our power and our capabilities that we’re doing ourselves a grave injustice. Step up to the challenge of finding your best way forward and step out with confidence.

Have a wonderful week.

Yours in heels,
Jo

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Chocolate invasion

Hello High Heelers,

Thanks to the people of the Americas who have been cultivating cacao for over three thousand years introducing it to the globe, to John Cadbury who fattened it up with creamy milk and calorie-packed sugar in the 1800’s and to the West Africans who are the world’s largest producers of cacao today, we have a wonderful thing called chocolate. Serotonin-enhancing, mood-lifting, heart-fixing, bad-day-mending, film-inspiring (starring Johnny Depp, I might add) chocolat. The Swiss refine it, the Belgians do delicious praline nutty things to it, the Dutch turn it into the most delectable drink called Chocomel and I, well… I eat it (or drink it – I’m not fussy). How wonderful the stuff is. So wonderful that we’ve turned it into treats of all shapes, sizes and densities – it’s a pity that it turns us into all shapes, sizes and densities too.

This weekend was a wonderful long one for those of us in the western world, as we celebrated the holiday of chocolate, Easter. We all have our own meaning around this day off, for some of us it’s religious, for many cultural, for some it’s about the change of the seasons and for others it’s simply a day for consuming too much and connecting deeply with close family and friends. But what it seems to be for all of us, is a time to share chocolate. We all have our favourites, from the white candy eggs, to the marshmallow-centred treats and the serious Lindt bunny spoil (with his little jingly bell). I could go on and on…

Now, at this point, I don’t think I need to highlight the fact that I like chocolate. I think the subtle hint has been dropped. So imagine my surprise when I dragged myself up all 3 flights of stairs, after 4 days of wonderful long weekend and overindulging, to reach my apartment last night and realise that I hadn’t eaten any of my chocolaty gifts. Not even one. Not even an ear off Herr Lindt Bunny (he’s German, you know.) From months of (mostly) serious deprivation and healthy eating I was counting down the days to the chocolate invasion – a day of guilt-free consumption. Because just on Easter, chocolate bypasses the hips and the wobbly bits and leaves your system un-calorie-enhanced – much like celery (only far more tasty on the tasty buds and with a lot less roughage). I missed out on that day.

On reflection last night I realised why I hadn’t given into the craving. There were a few reasons really. Firstly, I totally allowed myself to have chocolate on that day. You know, we often get so caught up obsessing over things we don’t have – the car, the house, the job, the partner – which makes us want them more. Yet another argument for the case for ‘everything in moderation’ and appreciating what you have. Secondly, I was so busy chatting, mostly catching up with my most precious, not-so-little, little cousin, that my brain was filled with so much warm, fuzzy affection that I didn’t physically ‘need’ the chocolate that was right in front of my eyes (a win for the sneaky neuro-transmitters in my brain). Lastly, since getting back on track with healthy eating, my body just doesn’t like to be flooded with sugar, too many carbs and fatty foods, it shuts right down and I feel pretty awful, pretty fast – so after stuffing my face with a hearty helping of cheesy potatoes, it was physically impossible to indulge any further. For the first time in the longest time my body, brain and heart were working together (though against me and my chocolate obsession).

And so it is, that I have come to the realisation that I don’t need chocolate. Really, truly, I don’t. Nope. In fact, last night, while curled up on the couch with my most special of special friends after a wonderful day with her, her hubby and their precious youngling, I realised that I don’t need anything. I have everything a girl could ever truly need. I am loved. I love. I am appreciated. I appreciate. I have been broken. I am whole. I am healthy. I am me. And you are all those things too.

This week as we look to things that we think will make us feel better, that will make us more successful, or happier, let’s realise that it’s the simplest things that actually bring the greatest joy. Let’s balance the head, the heart and the body. Let’s celebrate ourselves the way we are. And if we really want to, let’s eat chocolate.

Have a wonderful week.

Yours in heels,
Jo

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Bouncing up

Hello High Heelers,

Yesterday one of my friends managed to manipulate me into jumping on a trampoline with his 4-year-old niece – I think mostly because he didn’t want to be bouncing up and down talking about princess dresses, Barbies and tiaras, and partially because he realised there’d be much entertainment in watching me attempt to understand a 4-year-old’s logic, while jumping in a tight, short skirt, after having spent 2 painful hours at gym that morning. Crafty one, my friend.

After falling over numerous times (mostly from being not-so-gently nudged by said 4-year-old), I started to wonder if it’s called a trampoline because you get trampled, or because it’s impossible to retain any ladylike dignity when falling in a frock. After much bouncing I found myself completely and utterly exhausted. Keeping up with a sugar-loaded youngling, is challenging. While lying flat on my back (still bouncing somewhat) searching for an exit plan, the precocious little one announced pointing at a tree: “That’s an owl house there. Owls are nocturnal.” What? Nocturnal is a big word. Could someone please explain when reading the Merriam-Webster Dictionary online, on one’s iPad mini, become a prerequisite for nursery school entry? I was certainly stupider as a kid, in fact, I’m stupider as an adult, than that 4-year-old.

In all honesty, I had so much fun playing with the beautiful little girl. She took me through her secret garden paths, spun around for me in her magic, special dress that her granny made her (for ‘special occasions’), she had running races using my scarf as her finish line and truly believed that she outran me (for those of you who know how competitive I am when it comes to sport will know how big a deal it is that I let her win!) In all reality it was refreshing to see everything around us as amazing – to see the world through her sharp, blue, fantastical eyes.

To a child everything is amazing. Everything is special. But as we grow up (or do we grown down?) we start to take things for granted. We start to take people for granted. And worst, we start to take ourselves for granted. We become so critical. I remember standing in front of my mirror a few weeks ago criticising a million things about the way I look. And lately I’ve been so hard on my intellect, my healing process (that I wish could be quicker), and the ‘stupid’ decisions I make and have made. Fair enough – I’m not perfect and I’ll never be perfect, no matter how many kilograms I lose, how much I mould my body through working out, or how much I invest in developing my brain. Attaining true wisdom and comfort in ones’ being is a journey of a lifetime.

This week as you stand in front of the mirror try see yourself in the eyes of your younger self. When I was little all I wanted was to be big, to adorn myself with beautiful things, to apply make-up every day, to go to work like a big person, and to stand tall in pretty heels. I am now that woman. In fact, I’m more than the woman I imagined in my younger mind. I have more dimensions, more emotions, more depth, more everything. I am that grown up that I used to watch with amazement, wishing I could be her. And in that realisation, I am amazing. And you are too.

Let’s try drop the harsh criticism of ourselves. Let’s grown down a little and love ourselves for the simple reasons. Let’s be less hard. Let’s look up to ourselves. Change what you know you need to, accept what you know you can’t change and love your whole, even if it has a few holes.

Have a wonderful week.

Yours in heels,
Jo

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Brokenness heals

Hello High Heelers,

I had a serious ‘aha’ moment this morning. Seriously! But let’s rewind first. Last week I was knocked down by flu and a tummy bug at the same time, and I refused to slow down and let the bugs win. No! I am tougher than bugs! I don’t do broken – or at least I pretend not to, while driving everyone around me demented with my constant complaining. I pushed through the week feeling awful, of course, till I reached the weekend which I mostly spent being miserable and grumpy – which was delightful for everyone around me, as you can imagine. Sure, I behaved like a stubborn idiot, but more importantly I didn’t let myself heal. My body was broken and I ignored it. If I’d behaved like a rational human being, I would have probably wrapped myself up in bed, gone to the doctor and slept it off in a day or two. I did none of that. I stretched it out over the week until I collapsed on Friday afternoon, in a lump of exhaustion, only to become mobile again on Sunday afternoon – followed by more exhaustion on Sunday night. Today, I’m still feeling rather worn out and fuzzy – so I hope this post makes sense.

Why do we believe that being strong when we’re not is intrinsic to our competence as humans? Or why do I? (perhaps you are more rational than I am). We’re not machines. We’re humans. We get sick. Our bones break. Our hearts break. Our feelings get hurt. We fall apart in so many ways. And sure, how we deal with it matters. That we’re resilient matters. But when we ignore our bodies we’re doing far more damage than good. We treat ourselves like objects, we can use our car till it falls apart and then get a new one, and we can replace our ‘old’ iPad when the next version comes out – but we’re not getting a new us when we’re worn out, ever. We are not objects. Back to the ‘aha’ moment. What I realised this morning while catching up with my bestie is that stuff within us breaks for a reason. Often this ‘inner stuff’ breaks to make way for better stuff. It’s usually really hard to see at the time. But if you’re feeling broken – emotionally, physically, mentally, know something… it’s ok to break sometimes. We all break which actually gives us a chance to put our pieces back together again – which really helps us familiarise ourselves more intimately with all of our unique bits.

Having said that, and this was the real ‘aha’, some things break because they’re meant to be broken. Shattered. Irreparably damaged forever. As my bestie reminded me this morning, when we break bad patterns and poor habits we’re breaking things for the better. The discipline in these instances is to actually keep it broken. Sometimes we pour a lifetime of ourselves into fixing things that are not meant to be fixed. If you have a tendency to work for bosses that pull you apart, instead of help you on your growth plan, to find the friend who drains the life out of you, or you keep falling for the partner who cheats, lies and treats you badly, learn to distance yourself and break it. Leave it in tatters. Step away from the mess. Keep your glue for better things. If you are attracting negative things and people into your life, recognise that the common denominator is you – and know that only you have the power to break the pattern. And break it now, with everything that you are.  

This morning I recognised that brokenness is, in many ways, a gift. It’s a dissonance, a discomfort, that forces you to regroup, rethink, look deeper and discover where you want to be, where you deserve to be. Sometimes in knowing where you don’t want to be, you recognise where you ought to go. No matter how tough it is to journey through brokenness and come out the other side, remember that it takes a ray of light to create a shadow – if you’re living in the shadow of who you should be, know that there’s a light in you too, you just need to reclaim it and make it shine.

Today I acknowledge that brokenness is merely transient and gives way to growth. A woman breaks her body in giving birth to a child that blesses her life in many ways. Brokenness forces us to find new ways of doing things and seeing things. Some connections will be blessings in our lives others will break us, teaching us unforgettable lessons. Learn the difference between the two – and don’t confuse them. People will tell you who they are – listen. People will show you who they are – watch them. If you grasp the brokenness in others and cling to it in an attempt to fix yours, you’re heading in a dangerous direction, that will more than likely lead to... well, more brokenness.

Today let’s recognise our brokenness. Let’s see ourselves as people, not objects. Let’s allow ourselves to understand our broken bits. Let’s leave the shattered parts where they should be and pick up the pieces that are valuable. Let’s begin to build better, greater dreams.

Have a wonderful week.

Yours in heels,
Jo

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Getting off the floor

Hello High Heelers,

I had yet another wonderful weekend filled with great friends and memorable times. You know, something magical happens when the girls get together – we’re either trading secrets, healing each other’s hearts, letting our hair down, or doing all of those things at the same time – while going to the bathroom together. During a more contemplative moment, one of my ladies asked me how I’ve managed to pull myself up and get my feet back on the ground so elegantly after going through such a tough year last year. The question had me stumped. Firstly, I don’t see myself as elegant at the moment, and secondly, I don’t recall feeling flat on the floor, unable to move or breathe. But apparently, I was there. I took a moment to think back to a time of feeling face first, nose to the carpet, wondering how I got there and if I’d ever be able to walk again. Yep – it’s true, I was there. It feels like a lifetime ago.

Now, I don’t know much about what you’re going through, I only know my reality, my truth and my experience. But there were three things that really accelerated my journey to becoming more whole during hard times. This is what I know for me, and maybe it will help you too. Here’s goes… Step one: put your feet on the ground. If you have feet, that’s the first step in recognising that you have a lot going for you. When I began to focus on the positive things that I had starting with the most simple, the ones that are usually taken for granted, and I allowed myself to be grateful for them, I began to understand my self-worth, my successes and my value. I realised I have a whole functioning body, a great job, a beautiful home and an immovable support structure. I learned to focus on those things and make them stronger – which meant beginning a health plan, working harder at the things I love, investing more in my living space and spending quality time with the people who build me up.

Then, I learnt to rely on the kindness of others. There is incredible healing in accepting care. Whether it’s friends, family, colleagues or even random strangers, you’d be amazed what people are willing to do to pull you through if you simply put your hand up for help. From my mom wiping up my tears with a hundred tissues, to the wise lady in the grocery queue who offered a hug and words of wisdom. When I opened my eyes, shared my story and took time to listen, I discovered that I was surrounded by kindness. It meant opening my heart, finding my humility and discovering a level of acceptance. Most of us give much to others in their times of need. So sometimes we get to cash in on returned generosity by accepting gifts of advice and support. For many a High Heeler, to lean on others just doesn’t feel right. But it is. We all go through times of bruising and blisters. If we don’t pull off our heels, accept defeat and give mending its time letting others tend to our wounds for a moment, we will never heal. We’ll keep scraping off the fresh scars.

Lastly, accept where you are in your healing at different times. Know it’s a process and that it’s not likely to have a neat beginning, middle and end (wouldn’t that be nice though?) Some days will feel unbearable while others are easy. For instance, tomorrow is the anniversary of my best friend’s death, it will hurt, it will hurt deeply, but that doesn’t mean it’ll hurt to the same degree the following day and the day after that – on the days when I feel healed and remember only the smiles. Know that some hurts may leave you feeling like you’ll never feel the same as you did before. But, if you let yourself, you will feel better, stronger and wiser. Embrace that. It’s pointless trying to cover up how you feel and pretend that life as you know it hasn’t changed drastically when it has. Learn to be a better person, discover your strength, reset your limits and learn the lesson.

We all go through trials that change who we are, how we live and how we see the world. This week as you go through yours, find the things that bring meaning to your journey and that accelerate your healing. If you don’t learn the lesson, the pain is in vain. Let’s get our feet on the ground and get walking, or if you’re in a moment of needing help, put up your hand, pull up your feet and take a moment.

Have a wonderful week.

Yours in heels,

Jo

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Things aren’t as they should be

Hello High Heelers,

I’m in a state of shock. I’m sure you’ve all been there. When you realise that things aren’t as you thought they were and that not all people live up to expectations that match your values and your moral standing. Someone I know, who I studied with at varsity, who has achieved a lot in his youth and who I respect deeply, has been publically embarrassed and his reputation shattered over alleged rapes. See the use of plural there? Not just one. Many. So many that my mind boggled as I read the numerous accounts in the paper. There have been lists drawn up. Shots fired (mostly by the press – though I must say, they aim well!). There’s been a very open condemnation. If he’s innocent then there will be a long road of mending ahead. If he’s not, then he’ll be reaping the results of his actions.

Allegations and truth aside, we will always be baffled by the actions of people we think we know. Gosh – I’m sure we all surprise ourselves at times. I certainly remember a few facepalm moments  thinking ‘what the hell was I thinking?’ But then again, I’ve never raped. Or murdered. Or stolen. Or broken any major laws. But I have broken laws. I partied underage, I’ve ignored speed limits and direct orders – most of us have. I know that’s different, but does it afford me a moral high ground? Many people believe that to cross basic human boundaries takes a certain level of disregard for humanity and perhaps even a dollop of narcissism. The reality is that many people have been assaulted (in my world, it’s at least 33%) and that means that many people have been assailants (we’re probably also looking at, at least a whopping 33%). That pretty much means we are probably all connected to people who have done some really awful things during their time on earth. That means we’ll probably be doing a lot of judging as we uncover the terrible things that the people we know have done. That’s what people do right? We see the sensationalist stories, we believe the perspective presented, we condemn people and we feel grateful that they’re not our sons, our daughters, our siblings, our husbands, our wives…. we forget that they are someone’s.

I personally know a lot of people who have done awful things. Really, truly, despicable, horrible things. In fact, I spent the best year of my life (though I know I have better years coming – watch this space!) teaching in a prison over weekends. I headed up a group of ten inmates. Murderers. Thieves. Rapists. Women abusers. All men. With no supervision. People often ask me if I was scared – I wasn’t. They are some of the most beautiful men I have ever met. That revelation usually ignites surprise and even anger. It did in me to begin with. But when I spent more time with my prisoners I began to no longer see them for things they’ve done, I began to view them for the people they are. Shocking? Maybe. In all honesty I went into prison teaching, with the expectation of meeting ‘bad people’ so when I formed eternal friendships with a group of the most enlightened, aware, kind, caring and honest men I’ve known, that was a surprise beyond comprehension. My friends and family thought I was mad – until they crossed the (judgement) line and met my students. The world judges them in there. I started off judging them in there. And I would guess that the world continues to judge them today as they continue their journey of mending their homes, their families and their communities. We like to judge.

The truth that I learnt when I was teaching that group of broken boys who grew into beautiful men (and while they were teaching me to be a whole, open-minded woman) is that we are not what we’ve done, what we’ve thought or what we’re about to do. People make mistakes. We are not our mistakes. Sometimes we make enormous mistakes that we will spend a lifetime paying for – and fairly so. What we are is what we admit to, what we’re willing to work on and what we constantly try to improve. We are what we forgive. We are what we heal from. We are what we’re strong enough to accept, overcome and survive through.

As the media continues to splash violent stories across our screens, let’s recognise the importance of highlighting social issues that are completely unacceptable and that must be brought to the forefront and discussed. But let’s remember to be human. To be compassionate. To not judge – especially when the facts are not all in yet. Let’s remember that we too, are on a journey of trying to be better at being ourselves. We may not all be psychopaths, rapists and murderers (let’s hope not) but none of us are as close to as perfect as we wish we were. Let’s also be cognisant of the fact that who we walk with on that journey matters, because they may influence our thoughts, our steps and our direction. But let’s be open to meeting many, hearing different perspectives and understanding that we’re not always right.

This week let’s realise that the only ‘right’ we have and are, is the path we choose to walk. So jump off your soap box and choose some great heels to go with that direction! Have a wonderful week.

Yours in heels,
Jo

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Fallen wallflower

Hello High Heelers,

Well, I tell you, I had the most wonderful weekend. I really did. For a combination of reasons. On Saturday I decided to catch up on some reading and writing, and watch a few films that I haven’t got to in ages. I didn’t go to gym, I didn’t do any work, I didn’t read any newspapers (amazing how that will drop the blood pressure!), I ate chocolate without guilt (well, with little guilt), I didn’t put on make-up and I quite simply relaxed. Now, there’s staying on the couch because you’re feeling lower than low, and there’s choosing to unwind and spend a little time with yourself. I did the latter. And guess what I learnt? I learnt that when I drop the pretences, relax and get acquainted with myself that my company is pretty good! Who knew? Well I certainly didn’t!

I then put my newfound ‘good company’ to the test when I went to a friend’s birthday drinks on Sunday afternoon, which was a very big deal for me on the personal front. Let me explain… So, despite having spent loads of time with my friends over last year (and a bit) of singleness, every social engagement I’ve been to has been packed with people I know and they’ve all made an effort to make me feel settled and welcome. My friends have been amazing, encouraging and hugely inclusive, given that my newfound singleness came at a time when everyone was suddenly coupling up (permanently) and having babies – great timing, right? After almost a decade of being an ‘us’ I became a ‘me’ amongst a sea of new ‘us’es’. Urgh! Anyway, going into yesterday’s party, I knew one person – the birthday boy. Who would obviously be preoccupied most of the time, being the centre of attention and all. Going it alone amongst a crowd of strangers was a whole new milestone and I was pretty nervous. What if no one chatted to me? What if I was the only person on my own? What if I fell flat on my face and looked like a retard? What if I told a joke and no one laughed? What if? I pulled on my highest heels anyway and ventured off tall with semi-confidence, only to realise on arrival that I can hardly walk in the stupid shoes I’d chosen to wear (which is a whole lesson in itself).

I was highly relieved when I entered the bar behind a guy I’ve met a handful of times before. I called for him to wait (which was a ‘hey you’ since I couldn’t remember his name), he stopped, turned around and looked at me quizzically, asking “do I know you?” Great! This pattern repeated itself a few times over the evening as I realised I’d met a number of people at the event previously, but none of them remembered me. NONE! And yet as the time passed I happily chatted away, had my ridiculous shoes pointed out as a discussion topic, exchanged numbers with new friends and made plans to contact people. It seems that myself of last year – the one that spent a lot of time at home on the couch stuffing her face with pizza, avoiding gym, feeling miserable and killing time by throwing myself into work – is someone no one really wants to be around. Unusual, right? But the good news is, myself of this year, is quite fun. I tell you, I let my hair down (literally), I ordered (gasp) some wine and I laughed endlessly, enjoying being me. I felt great.

When I crawled up my endless stairs last night (blisters on feet and heels in hand) I realised something pretty important. When we spend so much time worrying about what people will think of us, feeling insecure about whom we’re with, what their expectations are and a bunch of other silly things, in doing so we deprive people of spending time with a kick-ass, awesome person – our ‘real’ self. I guarantee that next time I call Norm to ‘wait up’ for me, he’ll turn around and shout ‘Hey Jo, good to see you!’ Possibly followed by commentary on my good/bad choice of footwear. I am no longer going to be the amenable wallflower who sits back and goes with the flow politely and quietly and is remembered for very little. My new philosophy is this – here I am, this is me, and I’m memorable. Because life’s too short to get stuck in pretences, or to waste your energy hiding your quirky bits. It’s our quirky bits that make us… well, quirky. Life’s amazing, we’re amazing and we must live like everything and everyone we meet is amazing too.

This week as you enter situations that are a little uncomfortable. Grab hold of your best tools – your personality, your sense of humour and your sense of self. When you show people who you really are, authentically and openly, they can’t help but adore you. Let’s have fun this week, High Heelers. Let’s just bask in the glory of being ourselves.

Have a wonderful week.

Yours in heels,

Jo

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