Being needy

I remember a moment many years ago. The moment when the first person who made my heart flutter, stood frustratedly in front of me on the pavement shouting: "Is there anything you need from me? Anything? You're so independent you make me feel useless." This was coming from a ‘numbers person’, someone (by his own admission) with a very limited emotional vocabulary. And I, with my endless words, was speechless. I’d thought being independent was a good thing. I’d listened to many, many guy friends complaining about their needy girlfriends. I was proud that I wasn’t clingy. I stood there one brow raised, as I do when I’m about to spit fiery words, but silence came out of my mouth.

Days later something was said. I don’t remember what. It was nothing meaningful or civilised and it was delivered loud and raging, lacking maturity or any thought of consequences. He needed me to need him and that infuriated me. I needed to not need anyone for anything. And so began my experiences of the complex modern relationship as my first love walked away defeated by my stubbornness. In time I would realise in winning that fight, I’d lost a much bigger battle.

At some point I went on to start choosing partners who depended me. That way they wouldn’t expect me to need them at all and I wouldn’t have to be one of those ‘needy women’. See? I could remain independent and in control even though I felt completely depleted all the time as I was carrying someone else. There was a point in my life when I was the successful one, the emotional backbone and the spiritual centre. I had learnt to keep giving with little in return. It made me feel powerful. It was the saddest, most exhausting, time of my life.     

I don’t have to run through the clichés of things women can do on their own – we all know the list. And, in the other camp, the guys are perfectly capable of doing all but one of those things on their own too. It’s not the 1920s. A woman doesn’t need a man to keep her financially comfortable and a man doesn’t need a woman to cook his meals and rear his children. We can all flit between the roles we need to (and want to). We’re all capable of surviving independently.

And yet we continue to pair up because life is a little nicer, a little more meaningful, in twos. As I move into a space of wanting to pair up again I’m learning to need. Because truly sharing your life means being vulnerable and letting your partner fill your inadequacies. That means admitting you have inadequacies. And it means admitting that as a couple you are better together than you are on your own. It means putting someone’s needs above your own and them doing the same. It means creating a new you that fits into an ‘us’. Redefining yourself within the boundaries of your relationship zone – and in healthy ways, a little outside of it.

There’s a lot to be said for independence. I’ve loved my years of being single. I’ve been fully self-sufficient, doing what I want, when I want to. I’ve rebuilt my heart, my core, my strength. I’ve taken risks, with little worry of the impact. I’ve made amazing new friends. Travelled to beautiful places. Slept across the whole bed. Spent ridiculous amounts of money on shoes. Eaten the whole box of popcorn, every last kernel, all by myself. I’ve been completely selfish. And as I begin again, I find myself ready to give all that up and willing to be needy. So far, it’s not worked out.

And maybe that’s the point. When a man meets a woman whose (healthy) neediness makes him feel like her hero rather than her parasitic host; that could be the beginning of something good. For so long I’ve felt uneasy about having needs and expectations – as have so many guys and girls that I know. And maybe I’m wrong but I’m letting go of that now. To have needs is to acknowledge your worth. I recently walked away from someone perfectly lovely who was completely unaware of (or interested in) my needs. As a result I felt worthless.

We deserve to have our needs met. Not just romantically, but spiritually, in friendships, at work, as consumers, as humans. We so often make excuses ‘I have to work late every night and over weekends I don’t have a choice’, ‘he really cares, he just doesn’t know how to show it’, ‘my boss is a good person, she just doesn’t know how to motivate the team better.’ The bottom line is that in making excuses for others you’re keeping your needs from being met.  

If I could go back to that moment on the pavement, I wouldn’t change the outcome, but I would change my response. I’d have accepted that I didn’t trust that person with my vulnerability. And that’s why it wasn’t right. And I’d probably have walked away adding a few things to the list of things I’d like in a future partner, rather than a list of things to change in myself.

In a dynamically equal world in which we all work hard to discover our place. It’s a constant compromise, a juggling act of priorities, where we sometimes don’t have a clue where our own needs fit in, or often what they are. The world seems to be pulling us in every direction, desperate for our attention, making empty promises and offering instant gratification. And yet, now more than ever we live in an era where we’re encouraged to focus on living our purpose. It all seems so very conflicting.

Even though it’s contrary to sound relationship advice, I’m going to keep giving neediness a shot (and I’m sure you’ll get to hear some tragic stories as a result!) I’m going to write down the things that I need – in life, love, at work – and I’m going to expect more from myself and from others. In being needy I’m also going to try be less selfish, because when you really think about it, a box of popcorn is tastier when shared.

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