A little crisis

Hello High Heelers,

I think I’m experiencing early onset midlife crisis. The female version. To which there seems to be no cure, or magic pill. Nope. I think men definitely get the better deal with these crises thingys – they run out and buy Ferraris, date younger women and experience a new level of enlightenment (which is clearly a side-effect of having a hot car and a sizzling lady). And here I am, stuck in the confines of my cluttered brain, without the sports car, toyboy or a renewed sense of freedom and self. And, really, I’m not even middle-aged. How is this fair? Not only am I having a crisis – but it’s an unmitigated disaster of one too.

I’ve spent a lot of time feeling really lost lately. And I don’t mean physically lost – though I do that pretty frequently too (I got lost in my own home town recently and still have the incriminating evidence to prove it). Seriously. I’ve been wondering if the world had to stop spinning for a moment and I fell off it (which I doubt would be very graceful), if it would really have any impact on anything – any gravity, so to speak. Does my contribution to humanity have any meaning beyond my own little sphere of friends, family and colleagues? And if not, does it really matter?

Purpose is a funny thing. It can be very elusive at times – well, to be fair, all the time. Just when you start feeling a sense of meaning and understanding, you hit your next obstacle that makes you wonder if you’re really on the right track. If things are right, aren’t they meant to be easy? I spent a whole decade of my youth building a ‘meaningful’ future that would later fall through my fingers like ‘sand through the hourglass’ (with even more drama than the soapie Days of Our Lives). I thought I was happy. I thought it was right. I was wrong. Where did all that go? And why did it all amount to nothing? I’m becoming to realise that there isn’t really a track, a path, or even a destination. As my future continues to reveal itself, it seems to be showing me a series of random adventures that intersect – or don’t – in the strangest ways. I often wonder if wandering is the new norm and if there will ever be a sense of security and comfort. For someone who likes direction and certainty, I am very unhappy about all this. But yet, in some inexplicable way, it makes sense.

Recently while chatting to a close friend and colleague, she said something so simple but so profound, I haven’t been able to forget it. She said: “When you come through a difficult time that felt unnecessary and painful, you can usually turn around from the other side and look back in the realisation that everything you experienced was exactly what you needed to. And where you are in your moment of ‘getting through’ is exactly where you’re meant to be.” It sounded a little silly when she said it. But it stuck to my brain more securely than pink chewing gum to a new white shoe. I mean, come on! Why would I have ‘needed’ to experience everything I held dear falling apart? Until it really sunk in. I know why. It all fell apart to make way for new things, new dreams, new adventures that are even more important and meaningful than the ones I thought I was meant to live. Average things fall apart, so that amazing things can fall together.

Now in this ah-hah moment am I feeling a better sense of stability? No! I still feel completely lost, unstable and rather shaky in my stilettos. But what I’m learning every day is that it’s ok. It’s ok to be a little broken as long as you know it and understand how it affects you. It’s ok to be a little dazed, if you can see the right things clearly. It’s ok to be a little lost as it gives you something to search for. You know, sometimes in getting lost, you actually find yourself. Sometimes in running away you discover your home. Sometimes in pulling yourself apart you find a better way to put the pieces back together. Sometimes. Well. All the time. Tough things happen so that we can be a little stronger, more resilient, more enlightened and more prepared for greater things. I believe this is my truth. And if you’re going through something hard – I believe it is yours too.

Know that through overcoming you open tomorrow up with a new page. You can fill it with whatever you want to. May I suggest that you don’t let others write your story? It’s yours. Find your own tone. Find your own style. Find your own voice. It doesn’t matter what it sounds like. It only matters that it’s yours. Use it.

Have a wonderful week.

Yours in heels,
Jo

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