Elephant in heels

Hello High Heelers,

Right, so there’s a big elephant sitting in the middle of the room in heels – it’s pink and it’s making trumpeting noises as it blows its nose and wipes away tears (and it’s not me!) So I guess we need to talk about it. We can’t just leave that big, pink elephant in the middle of the room – can we? I wish I could. I wish I could ignore the week that has passed and forget the deep issues that have come to light. I wish the press reports coming out of my country weren’t true. I wish the South African media was falling into sensationalism in the worst possible way. But they’re not. As an idealist who loves to focus on the light side of life, on the beauty and the positivity, I am not happy about sharing elephants with you today. Rainbows, candyfloss and marshmallows are my more favourable choice of nibbly bits. But the only way to eat an elephant is one piece at a time. So let’s go…

Mouthful one: It’s not ok that women are being abused the way we are – in this country, and internationally. Spinning off media coverage of recent rape cases and the Pistorious tragedy, statistics about South African women abuse are flying around like cheap paper planes, piling up in trash cans. I’ve heard everything from 71% in CNN reports (which I’m sure come from some from some or other reputable source) to 50% from our SAPS (our police) results. Whatever the actual statistics are, they’re not ok. It’s not ok that when we sit together as women and open up about the pain we’ve been through in our lives that it’s close to impossible to find a woman who’s never been through some version of abuse at the hands of parents, siblings, strangers and most commonly – intimate partners. The bits of evidence that have been shared from the Oscar Pistorius case is damning to say the least. He shot his girlfriend four times through the bathroom door, there was a bloodied cricket bat at the scene, neighbours were complaining of domestic disturbances earlier that night. The conclusions we draw from this are not at all favourable – no matter which way you look at it. The only living person who’ll ever know the truth about what happened on the night that the Blade Runner allegedly murdered his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, is Oscar himself.

And should we ever know the truth? Do we really need answers? Why? Well, the awful reality of being a mentor, champion and public role model is that you are held in high regard and that your actions and behaviour begins to matter to people beyond your direct sphere. If I was embroiled in a similar scenario, I’d only be accountable to my family, my friends, and to you, my loyal readers. But when Nike’s ‘bullet in the chamber’ and South Africa’s golden boy breaks the most basic of human rights’ laws, he’s accountable to the whole world. In many ways it’s more than a little unfair. You may argue that he chose to be a public figure and may even have actively chosen to climb the pedestal we put him on. The argument matters less than the fact – our hero has fallen from grace in the most ungraceful way and that hurts us deeply.

This week, my reminder to us all is that people are merely people and that they make mistakes. Whether you forgive these mistakes, or not, is your personal choice – I suggest forgiveness as the preferable path. However, more importantly, when we are disappointed by people we hold in high regard we’re really just letting ourselves down. We put those people up there and the pain we feel is a manifestation of a dream we have created for ourselves. At work we’re bitterly disappointed by the colleague who drops a ball, the leader who shatters a value we hold high and a mentor that simply doesn’t come through for us. You will experience all of those situations as some point – multiple times. They will hurt you deeply. And you will learn the lesson – that all people, no matter how much you look up to them, are people with imperfections that you will not like. The first leader that shattered my idealism was a CEO of a very large business who spent a lot of time growing and developing young people and I, being in my early twenties, was privy to his valuable lessons. When he spoke clouds opened, rays of light shone down and angels sang but when it came out that he’d had an affair with a girl who worked for him and was more than half his wife’s age, I was horrified. He was a fallen angel, a false preacher of family values, and I had to learn to respect him again, one day at a time.

So this week as you dissect what you read in the papers about the people you admire and as you’re let down by mentors and spiritual guides, remember that we’re all guilty of our own mistakes and that in learning from our failures we may learn to fly. And as we continue to read about the horrendous statistics around women abuse and rape in South Africa, let’s use the opportunity to talk, to share and to heal – rather than to become angry and disillusioned. Through recognising the issue – we’re finally coming to terms with the fact that something’s got to change. Let’s start sharing for the sake of our next generations, let’s deal with the elephant in the room, let’s treat people like people not as demi-gods, let’s be real, be human.

I don’t have all the answers and I don’t even have all my thoughts together – please forgive me if I lack sense. But I do know that we’re headed on a journey that will bring healing through pain. Pull on your heels, deal with the blisters and start taking the first steps. Let’s go!

Have a wonderful week.

Yours in heels,
Jo

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