Knocked down

Hello High Heelers,

I feel like I was knocked right off my heels last week. I’m still pulling myself off the ground, a little bruised and blistered, but ready to keep walking tall. You see in the last week of January, every year, my business leaders spend two days in executive sessions, going through each business plan and our budgets going forward for the year. And those days are long! As one of the younglings around the table (in experience, learning and everything else) this means serious courage, concentration and confidence. It’s a privilege to be sharing with some of the brightest minds I’ve ever come across in my career, but at the same time it’s more petrifying than going shark cage diving without the cage. It means arming myself emotionally to deal with vigorous debate around my plans, ideas and processes (by super clever people!) and it means high neck tops that hide the wonderful red rash that creeps up my chest when I’m feeling my most vulnerable. This year, for extra measure I threw in red lipstick to offset the obvious shade I turn when feeling a little flustered.

Do you see all these methods I use to try and look cool, calm and collected when I’m not? I can give you lists of numerous other techniques too (email me if you want more!). I don’t know about you, but the one thing I don’t ever want to come across as at work, is emotional or flustered. I equate emotion at work, with weakness. In fact, that goes for life too. I’ve been through brutal break-ups minus tears, fierce words or any outward form of emotion until I’ve found a quiet space to let go. In fact immediately after ending my 9 year relationship and engagement, I walked into an international telecom with one of the leaders in my business and one of our partners overseas. There were no tears and there was no need to go home and fall apart – until it was the appropriate time to do so. For some reason, being in control is hugely important. So there was nothing unusual about the fact that when I presented to my executives last week, and they picked my work apart after slide one, silencing me – though I felt like the world was falling apart, I continued talking as though I was discussing the weather in Japan. Internally, I was holding onto words like “let me finish” and “don’t you get how hard this is?” and, of course, a flurry of tears that would meet the bathroom after the session.

At first I thought it was about having come out of our emotional learning session. Our CEO is an amazing teacher and he’s currently guiding our team towards a deeper level of authenticity and personal understanding. The learning is life changing, deep and revealing – and did I mention emotional!?! Then I thought it was about the fact that I’ve been on a rollercoaster on the presentation topic. I’d suggested last week’s outcome in October, in November I was told I’d dropped the ball, I responded by picking up the ‘dropped ball’ and then began juggling it as skilfully as possible, only to have it slammed down again. Sure that upset me – even though it wasn’t personal as it was about the ball, not me. I don’t drop balls. Ever! I’m a perfectionist, to the degree of being neurotic at times. But really thinking about it, that’s not what broke me so much, though it certainly contributed. The reason I found myself in pieces and in floods of tears inelegantly in the bathroom after my presentation, was because I had been stripped of the opportunity to speak. You may have all realised by now, that I need to communicate. Take away my words or ignore me (please don’t even think about doing both at the same time) and you might as well remove my soul. You don’t have to like what I say, you’re welcome to disagree – vehemently if necessary. But to have my words taken away, in a situation that is already hugely intimidating, was devastating in my little world.

It’s funny that every person that was in that session and that has spoken to me about it, keeps complimenting me on how well I handled it. Even my fabulous boss, Natalie Maroun, commented on how it was one of the best I’ve given. What?!? From my perspective I looked like an idiot, I lost control of the discussion and basically I failed epically. Aren’t perceptions funny things? And aren’t we brutally hard on ourselves? This week as we look at what’s holding us back, let’s recognise that we’re often our biggest enemy. How could my leadership team know that they’ve offended me so much if I haven’t told them? What an honour it is that they see me as an equal and not a subordinate, so the thought of my knees rattling through the debate that ensued didn’t even enter their minds.

People only know how to treat us, if we tell them. For many people, what happened last week would have been fine – but they’d possibly handle criticism more harshly than I do. It’s important for me to share with my colleagues that I’m happy to receive criticism however it comes (if it’s constructive, that’s even better) but I feel completely derailed when you take away my words. So now it’s up to me to actually say that – I guess I’ll need to use my words for that too!

May I encourage you to all figure out what’s important to you. We’re all unique beings and that’s what makes us special. Let’s help others be the friends, colleagues and families that build us the right way – rather than break us. And in turn, let’s listen to others as they do the same and meet them on their terms. It means stepping out of your comfort zone and being honest and vulnerable, but I think it’ll be well worth it in the end. Let’s try it together!

Have a wonderful week.

Yours in heels,
Jo

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