Hello High Heelers,
I think I’m experiencing early onset midlife crisis. The
female version. To which there seems to be no cure, or magic pill. Nope. I
think men definitely get the better deal with these crises thingys – they run
out and buy Ferraris, date younger women and experience a new level of
enlightenment (which is clearly a side-effect of having a hot car and a
sizzling lady). And here I am, stuck in the confines of my cluttered brain,
without the sports car, toyboy or a renewed sense of freedom and self. And,
really, I’m not even middle-aged. How is this fair? Not only am I having a
crisis – but it’s an unmitigated disaster of one too.
I’ve spent a lot of time feeling really lost lately. And I
don’t mean physically lost – though I do that pretty frequently too (I got lost
in my own home town recently and still have the incriminating evidence to prove
it). Seriously. I’ve been wondering if the world had to stop spinning for a
moment and I fell off it (which I doubt would be very graceful), if it would really
have any impact on anything – any gravity, so to speak. Does my contribution to
humanity have any meaning beyond my own little sphere of friends, family and
colleagues? And if not, does it really matter?
Purpose is a funny thing. It can be very elusive at times – well,
to be fair, all the time. Just when you start feeling a sense of meaning and
understanding, you hit your next obstacle that makes you wonder if you’re
really on the right track. If things are right, aren’t they meant to be easy? I
spent a whole decade of my youth building a ‘meaningful’ future that would later
fall through my fingers like ‘sand through the hourglass’ (with even more drama
than the soapie Days of Our Lives). I thought I was happy. I thought it was
right. I was wrong. Where did all that go? And why did it all amount to
nothing? I’m becoming to realise that there isn’t really a track, a path, or
even a destination. As my future continues to reveal itself, it seems to be
showing me a series of random adventures that intersect – or don’t – in the
strangest ways. I often wonder if wandering is the new norm and if there will
ever be a sense of security and comfort. For someone who likes direction and
certainty, I am very unhappy about all this. But yet, in some inexplicable way,
it makes sense.
Recently while chatting to a close friend and colleague, she
said something so simple but so profound, I haven’t been able to forget it. She
said: “When you come through a difficult time that felt unnecessary and painful,
you can usually turn around from the other side and look back in the
realisation that everything you experienced was exactly what you needed to. And
where you are in your moment of ‘getting through’ is exactly where you’re meant
to be.” It sounded a little silly when she said it. But it stuck to my brain
more securely than pink chewing gum to a new white shoe. I mean, come on! Why
would I have ‘needed’ to experience everything I held dear falling apart? Until
it really sunk in. I know why. It all fell apart to make way for new things,
new dreams, new adventures that are even more important and meaningful than the
ones I thought I was meant to live. Average things fall apart, so that amazing
things can fall together.
Now in this ah-hah moment am I feeling a better sense of
stability? No! I still feel completely lost, unstable and rather shaky in my
stilettos. But what I’m learning every day is that it’s ok. It’s ok to be a
little broken as long as you know it and understand how it affects you. It’s ok
to be a little dazed, if you can see the right things clearly. It’s ok to be a
little lost as it gives you something to search for. You know, sometimes in
getting lost, you actually find yourself. Sometimes in running away you
discover your home. Sometimes in pulling yourself apart you find a better way
to put the pieces back together. Sometimes. Well. All the time. Tough things
happen so that we can be a little stronger, more resilient, more enlightened
and more prepared for greater things. I believe this is my truth. And if you’re
going through something hard – I believe it is yours too.
Know that through overcoming you open tomorrow up with a new
page. You can fill it with whatever you want to. May I suggest that you don’t
let others write your story? It’s yours. Find your own tone. Find your own
style. Find your own voice. It doesn’t matter what it sounds like. It only
matters that it’s yours. Use it.
Have a wonderful week.
Yours in heels,
Jo
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Hello High Heelers,
I had yet another magical weekend this week. Since I learnt
last week how important it is to spend time with special people, I’ve been
putting the lesson to practice. I tell you what High Heelers – I’ve had no
regrets. Not one! The only thing I’ve lost out on is sleep – and there’s always
more of that to be had (as precious as it is). I once read that in your
twenties you leave your home and in your thirties you return. The theory was
about how when you’re in your young adult years you’re out discovering who you
are, establishing boundaries by pushing them and figuring out your values by
testing them. Then in your thirties you’ve settled down, you’re having kids and
you’re building your own home, and in doing so you reconnect with family and
your own past.
That may be true for many. In fact, it’s true for whole
generations that came before us. But in today’s modern world I’m finding that
such rules no longer apply. We have the freedom to abandon rules and make our
own. Right now, I’ve decided that I’m rediscovering my twenties – just with
more perspective and an extra sprinkling of wisdom that I definitely didn’t
have back then. I spent my early adulthood building a relationship, nesting and
structuring a strong value system and moral compass that I thought would guide
me into the future. I was so grown up, so mature… and so unfun (which is now officially
a word). From the age of around 24, I didn’t party till ‘stupid o’clock’ in the
morning like my friends did, I didn’t indulge in different foods and drinks, I
didn’t become friends with people completely unlike me who could bring a new
lens to my world. I didn’t do any of those things. Nope. I lived in the
confines that I built for myself. I still don’t know why I built them so high.
I’m beginning to learn as I grow up, that growing up is, at
times, best done backwards – as in growing down. It’s about accepting yourself
for who you are, like you did when you were a youngling. Being brave enough to
do things you wouldn’t usually. But being wise enough to know where your
boundaries are and what your truth is. It’s understanding that when calculating
risk, you must look beyond economic gain, stability, structure and long-term
investment, but to also see the investments we make in experience, in love, in
friendship, in happiness and in making a difference beyond our own sphere. The
world is as enormous as its geography, yet as small as the internet that
connects us. We are surrounded by opportunity like never before.
This week let’s be all about dreams. May I suggest you
connect with yours? Dreams are funny things. They’re sometimes so clear you don’t
believe you could ever forget or ignore them, but as times passes and your
priorities change, that’s exactly what you end up doing. Spend a moment to
reflect on your deepest desires. What did you want to do when you were young?
Did you want to give back to society through children? Do it. Find a kiddies’
home that needs support in your area and volunteer your time. Volunteer your
love. Did you dream of being a doctor so you could care for people, and you
somehow found your way into finance? That’s ok. Visit oncology patients, offer
them some of your best time and quality listening skills. Connect with an
organisation like “Reach for a Dream’ – and reach for yours.
What I’m starting to learn as I’m learning to grow down, is
that you’re never too old to realise your dreams. Never. We don’t need to
follow the impractical plan we had when we were twelve, we have a globe of
options available. Use your time. Use your resources. Share your heart. It will
make a difference to you. And it will make a difference to those you connect
with.
So as I sit in reflection catching dreams like butterflies in
my hands (they tickle a little, I must warn you) may I encourage you to grab
hold of yours too? And when you catch them, hang onto them. They’re flighty
little things and can easily flap away and make you lose your breath. Catch
them. Keep them close. And put them to action. Breathe. You were made for this
world and this time, and it was made for you. Make your difference. Be
yourself. Be unique. Leave your legacy.
Have a wonderful week.
Yours in heels,
Jo
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Hello High Heelers,
I pulled one of my most silly dizzy, blonde manoeuvres today,
yep. I battled my way through the wonderfully busy Joburg traffic early this
morning (well, early for me), singing loudly to enforce positivity around what
is bound to be one of the busiest, most stressful weeks of the year. I waltzed
through the parking lot (in heels), and towards my office ready to conquer the day.
On stepping through my office doors I realised that I’d left my laptop at home –
as you do when you have a mountain of work to do and not enough time to do it
in. So back to my car I ventured, tail between my legs, ready to attack rush hour
traffic again headed back home and then again, of course, back to the office
(sigh). Idiot! To make things worse, I also managed to leave my healthy, packed
lunch at home (yes, after going back to fetch said laptop), which meant
venturing out, uh-huh again, to find healthy snacks. By midmorning I’d spent
much of the day handling my lack of brain functioning and wasting time. The
annoying thing about time, is that you can’t pause it, and even worse, you can’t
get it back. But the most seriously irritating thing about time is that you
never have enough.
You know, I had an interesting discussion with one of my
besties recently. She was talking about the time investments we make in
friendships and how she’s only willing to put in the effort if she knows she’s
investing in something long-term. I completely get her point, given the nature
of time, however my view is a little different. I have a circle of incredibly
close friends who are part of my family, part of my heart, part of my being. I
don’t have to see them often, in fact sometimes we don’t speak for months. But,
without them there would be empty gaps in my being. I know this because I lost
my closest friend to bi-polar disorder and a handful of pills, 7 years ago.
Losing her felt like losing a limb. A huge part of me was missing and always
will be. People that are part of you can never be replaced. You’ll never forget
their smile, the way their voice inflicts when they share words of kindness in
your special language (in which they are fluent) or the feeling of their distinctive,
tender embrace. The greatest sadness is that you’ll never share what’s coming
with them – the excitement of falling in love with your future, the joy of children,
of dreams reached, of a life lived in full. They just won’t be there. They aren’t
there. And there’s nothing fair about it.
So, yes, I agree that some people are worthy of more time,
care, attention and essentially investment, in our lives. I don’t think we
should ever give of ourselves to people who simply take and never return the
same level and depth of friendship. But I’m also one for appreciating the
people that pass through my life for a moment, a breath, to teach a lesson, to uncover
a new angle, to share an experience, or simply to make me smile. I had one of
those moments last week. I was in the technology store (trying to maintain a
sense of wellbeing amongst all the scary gadgets). As I was learning about the Bluetooth
connectivity functioning of my new keyboard for my tablet (so I can write posts
more remotely – yay!) I heard a girl behind me chatting to her colleague about
her recent break-up. They were together 9 years, engaged for 6 months, were
planning their wedding, had broken up in early December, they’d just sold their
shared home, she was devastated and so the story went on and on. It was like
listening to a tale from a parallel universe.
I turned around and gave her the best gift I have to offer
right now – a piece of my healing. I took time out to share what I went through
over my 9 years of unnecessary difficulty. I shared that these things never
make sense in the short-term but that in a year there will be deeper clarity, great
lessons learnt and a book of reasons detailing why she needed to go through
what she went through. I shared my truth. That I was in something deeply toxic
for a long time that broke me on so many levels and shattered my dreams, but
that I wouldn’t give it back given the opportunity. The experience has offered
me deep personal insights, it’s delivered amazing courage that I didn’t know I
had, it’s levelled my skewed idealism in a healthy way and it’s taught me what
love is supposed to look like.
I used to think that life was a journey of becoming (who you
want to be, who you should be, who you are) but I’m beginning to believe that
it’s actually a journey of overcoming. How we react to what we go through is a
thousand times more important than what we actually go through, in my view. My
lesson this week is that without affording our experiences the time they need
to reveal ourselves to us (that makes sense – I promise), we lose the impact. Often
that includes connecting with people for a moment in time, to gain a piece of
understanding in the puzzle that is ours to build and shape. For my moment last
week, I offered hope to a girl in my shoes (cute ones, I might add) and was
rewarded back with a snapshot of how I looked a year ago, revealing how far I
have travelled on this journey – what a blessing! In the advert of my life, it
was like looking at the ‘before’ and ‘after’ pictures.
So this week, as you rush about, remember to listen to those
around you. Don’t intrude on intimate conversations that are not yours to
share, but follow your intuition and be available where your value will be treasured.
Take time to be your own friend. Take time to understand where you’re at. Take
time to build your dreams. Whatever your limitations are – just take the time…
just like I’ve created the time to write this post.
Have a wonderful week.
Yours in heels,
Jo
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Hello High Heelers,
Wow, what a week it has been. Frenetic, frantic and fascinating
in every way. I found myself, for the first time, last week, at the top of our
GauTrain stairs, en route to a business meeting dressed in a knee length pencil
skirt and high heels, peering down the steepest steps ever, in horror. To give
context – the Gautrain in Joburg’s new quickest mode of transport from Joburg
to the next city, Pretoria (which is sort of like going from New York to New
Jersey). Though it’s been open for over a year, I’ve not yet used it as I’ve
not had reason to. As I arrived at the station excitedly, I had no idea that I’d
needed to be better prepared. I suppose I expected to find a moving escalator that
would carry me down to the underbelly of Joburg. Instead, I found myself
scuffling down the endless staircase, hanging onto the railing (and my laptop
bag) for dear life, looking like a complete lunatic. It was that, or whip off
my heels and pull up my skirt – which due to hygiene and safety reasons, was
not going to happen. Next up was the actual train trip, which was yet another
surprise. The journey was comparable to the efficiency of Germany’s system – to
the split second. It must be said, what the GauTrain lacks in charm and
character (I just love the craziness of the subway and the tube) it makes up
for in cleanliness and competence. Who knew!? Lesson to me – expect the
unexpected.
The unexpected is also exactly what happened when an American
business partner of ours arrived on South African soil with scripts and
questions to start filming leadership lessons with our leaders. I knew it would
go well and I was convinced that our South Africans would make an impact new to
international audiences, but I had no idea to what degree. As each leader took
their position under the lights, I prepared myself to listen to stories of how
they were mentored and how books and education had changed their lives. But that’s
not what brought on the tears and moments of enlightenment. What really made
all the difference was the experiences they journeyed and the hardships they
endured and overcame. One of the leaders, who is a mentor and guide in my life,
shared about the strength he’d gained and the forgiveness he’s learned from
being locked up as a political prisoner from the age of 12. I speak to this man
weekly and felt rather ashamed that I’ve never asked him what it is that shapes
his positive outlook and remarkable leadership. People are so willing to share
most of the time, all you have to do is ask.
So my lesson from this week is twofold – firstly, you never
know what people have in them, unless you ask. I’m not suggesting we harass our
very busy leaders and add more stress to their loads. I’m merely saying that
when you find yourself in front of a teacher and mentor, ask, listen and learn.
Wisdom comes in many forms, be open to it. Then, never underestimate the power
of the paths you’ve taken and the journeys you’ve travelled. All experiences –
good and bad, trivial and serious – have the power to shape you for greatness. And
of course, I also learned never to catch the train in high heels and a pencil
skirt, it just doesn’t work out for the good of anyone.
This week as you stand before your leaders, listen and ask –
but be cognisant and respectful of their time. For those of us that lead
others, let’s be generous in our sharing – let’s realise that in our mistakes
and our successes we shape the generation that will take the lead next. It’s
our responsibility to grow ourselves and grow others into people that make our
world a better place than they found it. Let’s step up and expect great things.
Have a wonderful week.
Yours in heels,
Jo
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