I’m of that age now where people keep reminding me to get on
with it and settle down. “Maybe you’re being too picky” I’m told, “You’re not
getting any younger,” “If you’re thinking of a family it’s time to sort that
out. It’s now or never.” I get some polite insinuations and then some direct
stabs about my ‘choice’ to be single and alone.
The thing is… it’s not a choice. Finding someone who fits your lifestyle and your heart when you’re set in your ways, living to work and no longer out partying with the entire population of your age group (who also happen to be single), is near impossible. 95% (possibly not a completely accurate statistic) of the good guys/gals are taken. You’re left searching for the remaining datable 5% who were focussed on their careers, on travelling or on dating the wrong person and who now also happen to be on the hunt. There are plenty of fish in the sea when you’re twenty but when you’re thirty and above you’re fishing in a puddle.
I may be single, but I’m not alone. I’m surrounded by amazing friends, supportive colleagues and a very loving family. I recently had a flashback to a time long ago. A time when I felt most alone. In this memory, I was lying on my bathroom floor, door locked, crying hysterically, half engaging with the drunk, raging words coming from the other side of the door and half wanting the world to stop for a moment, so the psychological warfare would cease. I was feeling hopeless, powerless, terrified, trapped, lost. In a relationship but so tremendously alone. I slept in my bath that night. My wash basket of clothes emptied into the bath and two towels laid neatly on top. It was surprisingly comfortable. The next day I would try to continue my life like everything was ok. But it wasn’t.
It’s been a long journey since that day. And I’m now able to tell a great relationship story, one about how I learnt to love myself again, to set my dreams free and make better choices about who I include in my life. I’ve seen some great people and I’ve been on some hideous dates (which taught me plenty in retrospect and have given my friends hours of entertainment). I’ve also let go of some lovely guys and missed opportunities with others because I wasn’t ready to open my world to someone else yet. I have no regrets about any of the things I’ve done or haven’t done. They’ve all helped me stitch closed some deep wounds and find an inner sense of peace.
So, here I am. 35 and (drum roll) single. I have no children and nor am I convinced that I’ll ever have children, which is ok. First dates are so nerve-wracking to me that I can barely eat – so I always opt for drinks. On one first date, after much wining the gentleman thought it (justifiably) a good idea to do some dining and ordered everything vegetarian on the menu. He had no idea what I’d like (because I’m a foreign and vegetarian). I was absolutely horrified when tray after tray of food arrived and I could barely nibble on a piece of halloumi cheese without feeling nauseous. We didn’t go on second date, but I was truly touched by the way he tried so hard to impress me. While I was sitting opposite him feeling all those things insecure people feel – ugly, fat, stupid – he was finding me funny, interesting, attractive. I thought he must be an idiot!
Perhaps we judge ourselves most harshly. Which is possibly why we should lay off the criticism of others. You don’t know my story, my hopes, my fears, my dreams and I don’t know yours. How about we give the judgement a break? As the pressure on me increases (it’s clearly not going to ease up until I’m passed childbearing age) I’m just going to carry on doing the things that are right for me. I’m not going to settle for someone who isn’t right for me and I’m not going to enter into a bad relationship – just because it’s the right thing to do. I might not have a great love life, but I have a brilliant relationship with myself and with the wonderful people who populate my world. I believe I’m very lucky.
The thing is… it’s not a choice. Finding someone who fits your lifestyle and your heart when you’re set in your ways, living to work and no longer out partying with the entire population of your age group (who also happen to be single), is near impossible. 95% (possibly not a completely accurate statistic) of the good guys/gals are taken. You’re left searching for the remaining datable 5% who were focussed on their careers, on travelling or on dating the wrong person and who now also happen to be on the hunt. There are plenty of fish in the sea when you’re twenty but when you’re thirty and above you’re fishing in a puddle.
I may be single, but I’m not alone. I’m surrounded by amazing friends, supportive colleagues and a very loving family. I recently had a flashback to a time long ago. A time when I felt most alone. In this memory, I was lying on my bathroom floor, door locked, crying hysterically, half engaging with the drunk, raging words coming from the other side of the door and half wanting the world to stop for a moment, so the psychological warfare would cease. I was feeling hopeless, powerless, terrified, trapped, lost. In a relationship but so tremendously alone. I slept in my bath that night. My wash basket of clothes emptied into the bath and two towels laid neatly on top. It was surprisingly comfortable. The next day I would try to continue my life like everything was ok. But it wasn’t.
It’s been a long journey since that day. And I’m now able to tell a great relationship story, one about how I learnt to love myself again, to set my dreams free and make better choices about who I include in my life. I’ve seen some great people and I’ve been on some hideous dates (which taught me plenty in retrospect and have given my friends hours of entertainment). I’ve also let go of some lovely guys and missed opportunities with others because I wasn’t ready to open my world to someone else yet. I have no regrets about any of the things I’ve done or haven’t done. They’ve all helped me stitch closed some deep wounds and find an inner sense of peace.
So, here I am. 35 and (drum roll) single. I have no children and nor am I convinced that I’ll ever have children, which is ok. First dates are so nerve-wracking to me that I can barely eat – so I always opt for drinks. On one first date, after much wining the gentleman thought it (justifiably) a good idea to do some dining and ordered everything vegetarian on the menu. He had no idea what I’d like (because I’m a foreign and vegetarian). I was absolutely horrified when tray after tray of food arrived and I could barely nibble on a piece of halloumi cheese without feeling nauseous. We didn’t go on second date, but I was truly touched by the way he tried so hard to impress me. While I was sitting opposite him feeling all those things insecure people feel – ugly, fat, stupid – he was finding me funny, interesting, attractive. I thought he must be an idiot!
Perhaps we judge ourselves most harshly. Which is possibly why we should lay off the criticism of others. You don’t know my story, my hopes, my fears, my dreams and I don’t know yours. How about we give the judgement a break? As the pressure on me increases (it’s clearly not going to ease up until I’m passed childbearing age) I’m just going to carry on doing the things that are right for me. I’m not going to settle for someone who isn’t right for me and I’m not going to enter into a bad relationship – just because it’s the right thing to do. I might not have a great love life, but I have a brilliant relationship with myself and with the wonderful people who populate my world. I believe I’m very lucky.
1 comment:
Well said!
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